The Mythical Negrettes: 3 Types of Black Women Who Exist Online and On-Screen But Not in Real Life

While attempting to watch “The Corner”—an award-winning 2000 HBO mini-series based off of a book that will make you hate Earth—last week, I was reminded of how much I’m bothered by Tasha Smith.

Wait, let me rephrase that: Smith herself doesn’t bother me. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman, and she looks like she probably smells like orange sherbet and Carol’s Daughter products (This is a good thing). But, every time I see her on-screen (“The Corner” included) I can’t help but get distracted by the fact that the women she usually portrays don’t f*cking exist in real life, and it completely ruins my viewing experience. Although I haven’t had the opportunity to meet each of the three billion or so women on the planet, I can assure you that none of them are as tactless, shrill, ignorant, silly, and transparently manipulative as Angela Williams (Smith’s character in Why Did I Get Married), Jennifer (Daddy’s Little Girls), or Ronnie Boice (the tactless, shrill, ignorant, silly, and transparently manipulative junkie she portrays on “The Corner”) because if they were, someone would have murdered them already.

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You’d hope the utter unbelievability of Smith’s characters and any other portrayal of the ridiculously rude and emasculating woman who mistakes malignance for independence and cuntiness for character (but still has tons of friends and male suitors) was uncommon. But, sadly, it’s not. TV, the internet, and pop culture is full of all types of Mythical Negrettes—black women who seem to exist online and onscreen even though no one has ever met anyone like them in person.

Here’s a couple more

The Black Man Hating Black Woman

One of the more interesting bi-products of last month’s No Wedding, No Womb firestorm was the “mainstream” exposure it gave to a few of the hundreds of black female empowerment blogs and bloggers on the internet. I can recall at least three conversations I’ve had in the past three weeks with women who weren’t aware that blogs like "What About Our Daughters" even existed before they learned of them through the NWNW conversations on Twitter. But while many Sister Toldja’s exist—bloggers genuinely concerned with the mental, spiritual, emotional, and sexual health of black women—there seems to be a few using the “black female empowerment” title as a thinly veiled shield to espouse their hatred of black men.

These women are usually easy to spot. They love to use words like “divest” and they all seem to have an odd fascination with referring to “black men” as “BM’s”. But, although their presence online doesn’t bother me (they’re actually helpful if I’m having a particularly good day but am overcome with a sudden urge to be reminded of why I aint shit), I am bothered by the fact that I’ve never actually met one of these types of women in real life.

I mean, seriously, I know I can’t be the only one who’s never actually met a black woman who absolutely abhors all black men, thinks we’re the bane of all existence, and wishes to start a NPNP (no penis, no penetration) movement designed to eunuchize all black males at birth, can I? But, they exist in spades online, and like Paul Pierce’s perpetual notquitebeard, their presence remains an unsolved mystery to me.

The Thug-Loving Professional Black Chick

You’ve seen, heard, and read about this scenario a thousand times

Astronaut Girl drives to hair salon the day before appearing before top secret NASA Mission to Mars Congress subcommittee. Corner Boy notices Astronaut Girl getting out of her fully loaded Prius, and spits best Corner Boy game at Astronaut Girl. Impressed with Corner Boy’s bulging package and tired of meeting boring Astronaut dudes at Essence Festivals, Astronaut Girl grabs Corner Boy’s hand and wildly f*cks him on the hood of the Prius. This incident marks the start of a romance, as Astronaut Girl’s infatuation with Corner B0y’s swag and steelo allows him to convince her to smuggle a package of heroin on the space shuttle to Mars so Corner Boy can have a hold on the burgeoning Martian junkie market. Astronaut Girl gets caught smuggling the package, accepts a no-prison plea deal contingent on her testimony against Corner Boy, has Corner Boy’s baby, and eventually appears on Oprah explaining her love for that lifestyle and the fact that she still gets a chill downthere every time she passes a gun store

Thing is, while “the professional black woman who only has eyes for thugs” is a popular black meme and storyline, I’ve yet to actually encounter one of these women in real life. I know quite a few black female doctors, lawyers, and scientists and shit, but the closest any of them have ever come to thug lovin’ was when they had to change their panties while watching an especially angry Stringer Bell on season three of “The Wire”. I’m not saying they don’t really exist, but I’m saying they don’t really exist.

Anyway, falks, I need you to help me out. Does anyone actually know any of these types of women in person, or do I just happen to live in the only tiny vacuum of the universe where they don’t exist?

Also, can you think of any other Mythical Negroes and Negrettes who seem to only exist online and onscreen?