Ανοικτά Ακαδημαϊκά Μαθήματα στο Πανεπιστήμιο Κρήτης
The Problem With Dating And The Open Solution
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Dating should be a fun and engaging time for young and old! However, many fear the ins and outs of dating. I believe the fears are warranted. Many have collected dating experiences that have been less than ideal. Many have dated individuals, even attempted long-term relationships, only to have things unravel at the end, leaving heartbreak, frustration and depression in the wake.
There are many systemic issues in our modern dating style. One major issue with dating is the hunt for “the one” which inherently creates the concept of exclusive dating. Let’s say you go out and meet a nice guy or gal. You date for a few weeks and mutually you find the other to be worthy of time and energy. You’re having a great time until one or both of you feel as if you are falling in love, thinking this might just be “the one”. One or both desire a deeper commitment, which should, of course, include sexual exclusivity and this relationships should be the end to the dating life of both parties. One of both of you begin to negotiate the arrangement and the issues begin.
This is the standard path, correct?
The challenge is the lack of clarity between dating, long-term relating, and engagement/marriage. If marriage, or finding “the one” is the ultimate goal, (is it?) then why not become engaged once you feel yourselves falling in love? The answer to that question is often this: one or both individuals are not ready to marry. However, they want to continue dating the other exclusively for an unknown period of time? If this closed dating relationship continues for a year or two, sometimes up to five years or more, without moving from dating, into the very nebulous long-term relating phase and then into the more pointed engagement, there will be heartbreak for one party; often both. This leads to bitterness and jaded responses to dating in general, and plenty of hurt feelings.
I have come up with a viable solution to this particular concern with dating. Heartbreak, we feel, is more readily side swiped when we are not so attached to finding “the one” while dating, but rather enjoyed many dating relationships with many partners and THEN organically deciding to settle down, become engaged or construct a serious commitment once we meet a person who is also ready for engagement (if that is the desire). In other words, we feel the dating phase should be an open phase where one sees many potential life partners openly (of course telling the truth about dating many) rather than dating to exclusively find “the one”.
The old pattern of dating, with it’s built in notion we should possess each person who might resemble “the one” is lack and fear based – any action invoked by fear and lack will only beget more fear and lack. If we understood more clearly that there are many persons who might possibly work out as a life partner, and thus carried on with dating many until an organic match for engagement was made (if that is the desire) then the bumps would be smoother. Furthermore, if we don’t desire to marry at all, being up front with the other about that – maybe we’d tell the truth about wanting to simply enjoy life, love and sensual connection to various persons over time…
There are a few cons to our suggested open dating arrangement .. we are so very fearful of losing out on love, or being ‘used’ by another sexually – we are so concerned with the idea that if we don’t lock this person down, they will flutter away never to return, use us up and never replace what they ‘took’. These fears produce themselves in our lives over and again when all we truly have to do is shift our thinking around it. If any person were indeed a potential life partner of any value, ready to advance the relationship, then it will happen organically, no matter whom else you are dating.
Do we have to capture and jail another in order to get them to eventually marry us (if that is the intention?). Or are we doing it for other reasons – like fear, lack, scarcity-thinking, or to appease another just long enough to give us sex, or fulfill some momentary need? Think about it. Isn’t it fear, alone, that would have us collapse upon one dating partner as soon as we do, and with the ferocity that many engage?
So what would it look like to date many individuals as we enjoy the fun of deciding with whom we’d like to partner with, for life – if that is the objective. Recently a client who subscribes to Loveawake dating site blog shared this:
The first time we made Love, my King pulled my ponytail holder out of my hair so that he could see my hair fall. When it was all done and over with and I was getting myself together, I searched for the ponytail holder on the floor in the direction he threw it only to find another ponytail holder that wasn’t mine. I told him jokingly, “looks like you do this often.” He thought I was going to trip about it. Lol… He found my ability to be secure quite sexy and shortly after that’s when he told me he will be loyal to me… he pauses to test me out… and his other girlfriend.
And today he tells me he could make Love to me every day. I told him I could make Love to him every day too… except about 5 days out of the month. I told him he could go to NY (where his other gf lives) for those 5 days. Lol… He is so relaxed and refreshed to be able to not hide, lie or cheat. And I feel so relaxed and refreshed to be able to trust him. Since we began dating, he has traveled only once to see his other gf. When he called me the day he was returning to let me know what time he will be home he was quite surprised to hear my extreme excitement.
My complete acceptance of him is working out splendidly since he is not forced into a predicament where he would have to choose. I feel like he was in a situation with someone who he couldn’t be with full time, but really Loved and cared for her and likely saw other people on the side to fill in the gaps. Now that I’m in the picture he gets the full time Lover that he needs without having to give up the woman he’s been with for a while. When we first met, he told me about her, but made it seem as though he would choose between us when the time was right.
I think if I were to enter the relationship in the way society deems normal, there would have been lots of lying, cheating, jealousy, arguments, heartbreaks, and eventually nasty break ups. Thank heavens for open hearts and open minds. ♥
And there you have it…